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The scam artists responsible for Date Movie, Epic Movie, Meet the Spartans, and Disaster Movie are back with their latest con, Vampires Suck, one of those rare movies with a self-reviewing title. Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer are widely reviled as the most untalented filmmaking hacks in the business today. That the DVDs for some of their previous crimes against cinema have boasted commentary tracks of film critics ripping on how terrible their films are only cements my belief that they are con men that know they're untalented hacks and don't care because they've found some success with their special brand of cheap, lazy, crudely constructed comedies so depressingly unfunny they leave you longing for the comparatively upbeat nature of a Lars Von Triers movie.

For the remainder of this review I will refer to Friedberg & Seltzer simply as "F&S" for short. F&S is kind of like S&M, except there are actually people that derive pleasure from the pain generated by S&M. If you know anyone that derives pleasure from F&S, those people are to be shunned for the betterment of mankind.

The mental anguish of Vampires Suck began immediately with a hopelessly incompetent opening sequence that wraps around to the climax set at the high school prom. The alleged jokes in this pre-title portion included teenage girls representing "Team Edward" and "Team Jacob" hitting one another with shovels, a naked sparkling vampire with a glimmering disco ball covering his privates, a vampire drinking a bottle of "True Blood", another vampire applying suntan lotion, and a vampire revealing a single triangular fang like that you'd see on a vampire chipmunk, which, by the way, we will actually get one of later on. By the time the title appeared on the screen I was fully prepared for an experience about as enjoyable as teabagging a blender.

The one thing working in these grifters favor is this time they have an actual structure to build upon (key scenes and plot points from the first two Twilight movies) unlike say their previous sham, Disaster Movie, the first ever full-length motion picture based around parodying scenes from the trailers of movies that had yet to open at the time of filming. Doesn't change the fact that the best they can come up with still produces fewer laughs than b-roll footage from a snuff film.

Twilight is so rife for parodying yet these two cinema swindlers consistently miss their target by relying on their usual disarray of jokes that are just excuses to make a pop culture reference regardless of its lack of context, jokes that go for lowest common denominator punch lines, jokes they run into the ground even after they flopped the first time, jokes meant to make you groan that still end up doing so for the wrong reasons, jokes that actually require the actors to explain the joke and why it's supposed to be funny, and I lost track of the sheer number of times I was expected to laugh just because someone got randomly hit hard in the head, face, or back. Even understanding what makes basic slapstick work is asking too much of F&S. They also operate under the mistaken assumption that if someone angrily shouts "bitch" at the end of a sentence that automatically makes the line funny. They even end their movie in such a manner.

Moody teenage heroine Bella Swan, sullen vampire Edward Cullen, and angst-ridden teen wolf Jacob Black have been cleverly renamed Becca Crane, Edward Sullen, and Jacob White. The town of Forks, Washington is now named Sporks. This is as clever as it gets.

"Just your breathing is the greatest gift you could ever give me," says vampire Edward, crouched over a sleeping Becca. Then she farts in his face and he tumbles backwards out of her bedroom window.

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